A heavy revelation fell on me last night. I am clear that a huge part of my purpose for being here is to break cycles as it relates to my family lineage. It is such a layered task, just thinking about it…well I find myself rubbing my shoulders because I literally begin to feel the tension building. I have essentially been charged to shift an energy pattern, an entire paradigm that has existed for hundreds of years, and at times I feel exhausted and energetically drained by it all.
For those that know me, you often hear me going on about how I struggle to find balance in my life. I constantly feel that I am always being pulled in several very meaningful directions all at once, which is why I personally focus/depend on the lunar cycle energy, as it helps me to bring a bit of clarity and a little organization to my self-induced confusion. There are many Goddesses activated in me and thus I am a bit complicated I admit. I have recently been delving deeper into answering the question..”what is my bliss?” and as I am a proponent of living and loving life fully, I have to really ask…”why do I love what I love?” “Is what I love in the here and now ultimately taking me to where I truly want to go in life?” ( I am in a seriously deep space of challenging my belief systems so excuse me if I drift:0)
I have been a stay at home wife and mother taking care of my small children, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc. for almost 6 years now. Needless to say it is quite easy for me to fall into a belief pattern which assists me in believing that once my children reach a certain age, I will FINALLY be able to do XYZ…XYZ being things that I feel reflect more of my authentic self….I then find myself equating authenticity with following my bliss….so where does that leave me? If I follow this logic then it means I’m a mother who is not being authentic because I’m not following my bliss because of my role as a mother….(see this is where the mind chatter gets you all phucked up)
This is the very point where I need to be reminded of my TRUE purpose during this lifetime, because it is a critical piece of information that if lost sight of could cause a whole lot of backtracking and will eventually have me off course.
So here is the truth….I run from my role as wife and mother. I emotionally run from it…I fear that I am going to straight up lose myself completely if I give my all.
Ah! right! so remember I am the cycle breaker…of course this would be hard for me. I see myself as a bridge..an actual bridge that connects my lineage to a higher more refined manifestation of itself. It’s up to me to determine how solid I will be…my purpose is there regardless of what I feel about it. People like me are the “only ones” of their family, we are the ones who get the crazy looks, who are always questioned about why we want to live so differently from how we were raised. I am clear that my life is the pivotal point of my heritage story, my life is when things shift, which leaves me feeling vulnerable a lot of times. I am responsible for the ascension of so many more people than just myself.
The way I mother right now, right here in this very moment ultimately shapes who my great great granddaughter will be. A bit of self talk…. How does that reality make me feel? Is that my bliss? It doesn’t feel like it..not for real, but as I begin to reshape my idea of bliss…then isn’t that what I want? Would I rather leave this responsibility to someone else? can I really afford to? Don’t I want to be successful? Yes! and what is success? It is accomplishing what I came here to accomplish in life…and what did I come here to do? I came here on this physical plane to bridge the gap between my family and knowledge of higher worlds…I am carving out a pathway of ascension for me and for those who come through me. okay Maati, so are you really losing yourself by giving 100% to your family?…no. The lessons that are smack dab in the middle of me going all the way with my family life are truly infinite. So what is your conclusion?….I no longer want to run from my life purpose, while masking it as following my bliss. Sometimes you really have to break things down to yourself when you lose sight of things with the hope that you can somehow get back to your true divine all-knowing spirit.
So yes, there are MANY things that I love that lie outside of my role as mother and what I am beginning to realize is that those things, those parts of me provide me with new energy, they recharge me and restore my vitality as I live out my purpose. The things that bring me bliss are there as tools to keep me going, to keep me smiling. I cannot be enticed to follow them to the point of following them right off my path.
When it’s all said and done…I have the awesome task and privilege to learn from a loving man and two of the worlds brightest stars. As they constantly teach me something that is not time-bound, I can offer nothing but true reverence for their sweet spirits and exuberant and loving hearts. I am on this journey learning to nurture love and grow in truth. My two little angelic manifestations and husband…..how could I ever thank them enough for introducing me to my life purpose?
mamasImmortal
Mamas Immortal 